A Dream Regained ?

I haven't posted in a long time, but, I guess my blog philosophy is if I don't really have anything important to say, its better not to waste my time, or those of you reading this. :-)

But alas, I feel that it is finally time for me to say something....to ponder a bit on life - on dreams lost, and gained again...

I went to a choral concert the other night. Two of the 3 featured choirs performing were the Judson High School Chorale, and the Texas Tech University Choir, both of which I am an alumnus of.

As I sat listening to the beautiful music, my soul ached. I felt like I had come home to a part of me that had been missing for a very long time....Like I'd been sitting on a dissonant note for the last 4 1/2 years, that finally, in those moments, resolved.

You may not know that I, at one time, lived and breathed vocal music. I have been singing since I was probably about 4 years old, playing the piano since 1st grade, and picking up different instruments here and there along the way (the flute and the guitar to name a couple.)

You may also not know that when I was 20, God very clearly began to speak into my life, and lead me into vocational ministry. Laying aside the music career that I had always dreamed of having was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. At the time, it was also very freeing. I was in the midst of one of the toughest music schools in the country, and, I was faltering, because I just couldn't take the pressure anymore. The pressure to be the best, to beat everyone at their own game, well, it was just eating me alive in a way. Yet, walking away was still, very, very hard. I let go of a dream that I had had for 15 years.

I've now been in ministry for 4 years, and I love it. Don't get me wrong. I don't regret following God's call upon my life. But yet, my heart aches. Not for competition. Not to be the best. Not to beat everyone in the cut throat business that music is. But, my heart, it longs for music. My voice longs to sing to its fullest potential, to make music with others, and glorify God in it.

I don't know why it has to be all or nothing. I'm sure it doesn't. But the hope of regaining a dream once lost is almost too hard to take. Will I be able to handle having a little of it back, but not all of it, the whole shebang? It's like giving a kid an M&M. Will they ever be happy with just one? :-)

Even if I could re-enter the music world again, I'm not sure what it would look like. How would I really have time for it, when so much time is demanded of me in ministry? Time that I do not regret. But still, I just wish there was a way.

I'm praying for God to open a door. If it is His will for me to use the gift He's given me in some way, then I have to trust that He will open the door.

The loss of that dream, it still hurts sometimes. I joke around with my roommate about trying out for American Idol. What she doesn't know, is that, yeah, I'm joking. But a part of me wonders, could I do it? Could I make music to bless the world with? And then the doubt comes....Remember Kim, He closed that door a long time ago.

He did...But that doesn't mean He won't open it again. Doors do not always remain shut for eternity. So, I wait, and hope. And trust that if it doesn't happen, then my God is sovereign, and He'll show me the way.